I'm not allowed to be tired
Help. I am starting to feel resentment and anger towards my sister in law. I am with her about 4 hours a day. She's physically independent but needs help with everything else due to fatigue. Basically , housework for a 4 bedroom house plus laundry, cooking, shopping, doctors visits, hair, nails, lots of driving. I am up several times in the night with my mother who needs to be turned and often wants to chat a few minutes as a distraction from pain. I really don't mind helping, well most of the time. Weve always been friends and have common interests and a lot to talk about I understand that ordinary tiredness isn't the same as MS fatigue and therefore I should not mention it when I'm tired. However, I do get tired. I don't get enough sleep and keeping 2 households running is physically hard work. I made the mistake a few weeks ago of saying I felt too tired to drive out of my way to the library and I'd return her book in the morning and pay the fine. I understand that it was hurtful and as soon as she mentioned it I apologized and took the book back that night. Anyway, she was very upset. She will only talk to me when necessary when we are together and then starts out with, I know you are tired or if you aren't too tired. I've stopped apologizing as she says I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean to shame her and dismiss her own struggles. I feel I've lost my best friend through one careless remark. I knew she was very sensitive about people dismissing her struggle with fatigue. I'm also ready to just stop going over. I know her independence is very important., but other people without MS have housekeepers a couple of times a week. Her dilemma could drive her to the beauty parlor. Her husband could go to medical appointments. He's retired and I don't see why he can't work his volunteer work around her schedule. At the same time, I'd miss her friendship. I'm sorry I'm complaining so much. I don't know what to do about my feelings. If I knew how, I'd find a way to apologize that she could accept. Any ideas?
Toffee I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Before I was diagnosed, I helped as a caregiver for my grandfather, who also had MS, so I've had my foot on both sides of your dilemma. Fatigue is such a tough symptom, and it's also a super sensitive one, because for many, not only does it have the most significant impact, it's the one that others tend to dismiss/misunderstand the most. I think your best bet is to sit down with her and discuss it. Sometimes just being honest and showing that you have struggles as well is the best thing to do. When it comes to her being concerned about being independent, remind her that you are happy to help and that you benefit from helping her as well because of her friendship, reminder her how valuable that is to you but don't be afraid to say you need some help too. It sounds like you definitely need some help (perhaps you could talk to her husband, who I imagine is your brother?), because if you don't take care of you, you can't take care of anyone else.
Thank you both. I thought a lot in the night. Yesterday I went with mom to doctor appointment. I've not been fair to Candy. She does talk to me.its just not like it was. Maybe when she talks about me being tired she means it and tries to be nice.
I think I'm more angry with MS than with her. It's like our friendship has MS. Is that OK to tell her? I don't want to disrespect her. I think I look at her and see the MS and not her.
I'm going over after lunch and tell her I love her and I need to think about us as sisters not like she has MS. I don't want to pretend she doesn't have MS. You know how Princess Di say there are 3 people in my marriage? So can I make MS not another person? Can I ask Candy if we can stop being sick person and helper? I still want to help. Like as much as I do. I just want it not to be the really big thing in our friendship. I know it's the biggest think in her life and I don't want to pretend it isn't.
It's really really good to say all this stuff and get help from people like you.I think it's definitely OK to tell her and share how you are feeling. One of the hard truths I've learned during my life with MS, is that it doesn't just impact me. In a lot of way, my friends and family have MS through me because of the way it's impacted their lives.
@Marissa_Elizabeth
And I want to say thank you to everybody for helping. We had a long talk with lots of crying and learned good stuff about each other. I think life is going to be a lot more up and @ down for us, but we are still best friends. There is lots of stuff I'd like to share, but it's private to her.
This warms my heart,
. I am so glad you were able to talk honestly and openly with each other and that love and friendship have prevailed. You are truly fortunate to be in each other's lives. You can learn a great deal about MS and its impact by reading more of the articles and forum posts here. Take your time and learn over time, There is no hurry. The important thing is that you both are trying. You really made my day. - Lori (Team Member)
