Tomorrow I will be better, but today I am struggling. With the thoughts and emotions. My next neurologist appointment is coming up on Monday, and I've run through so many scenarios in my head. I'm prepared, I have everything written down.
At work today, I'm using my balancing stick (otherwise known as a cane) and we had one of those monthly employee gatherings that promote team spirit and boost morale, so of course I had to go. And I'm standing there in the production area, leaning hard on the cane and bracing against the desk behind me, and I just felt so low. I've had more of my coworkers come over to me to ask if I hurt myself, if I'm okay, going out of their way to open doors for me. I just gloss over their questions and pay them in candy and entertaining stories for their help, but when I'm being honest, I really don't want it. I want them to allow me to stumble through the world and figure it out, and ask for help when I actually need it.
I know I'm stumbling and fumbling but at my core I am still me. The fiercely independent person who accepted every challenge, hitchhiked across the country and back again, never settled for platitudes or less than what I wanted. And to see the reactions of people who care about me but I haven't really shared what I'm going through yet... it just hit me today.
I know I probably still have a long road to any diagnosis, and I'm trying to be patient.
I feel like this post will resonate with some of you.
Tomorrow will be better, I'll reset and persevere, but today I needed to feel the feelings.
Much love ππ