Where I Am Now

I'd like to share with you guys, the goings-on over the last month of my life. What happened, the decisions I made, and my prayers that have been fulfilled as this tumultuous time in my life rapidly has become one of the best times of my life. The decisions that I had to make were difficult, to say the least. I have never been more energized or focused in all my life as I've started this new chapter. So why don't I get on with it huh?

Needed to get away

I had gotten out of KCJ on Nov. 27, 2019. I had been with a woman who had some drug and alcohol issues as well as a genetic disease called alpha-1 Antitrypsin deficiency disorder. We had been living together in Waldoboro for almost a year. She had a little boy with Autism named Nick who absolutely adored me. We got along, however, she had issues and could snap and literally be a completely different person. Almost demonic and terrifying. To the point, I didn't dare sleep in the same bed with her. After the police had been to my home a few times they told me that she was going to put me in jail if I stayed with her. So I left. She and I were off and on for about 6 weeks and I told her I was going to have to go to jail to get away from her and 2 days later that's exactly what came about

What I expected versus what I received

When the day came for my release I foolishly expected her to be happy to see me as I made my way to see her. When the door opened her father was standing there, all 5' of him. He started hollering at me about how dare I knock on his door as I stared back in disbelief. I could see that little 7 yr old boy staring back in shock not understanding what was going on. He was looking at me and then over toward the kitchen where his mom was hiding, obviously not wanting to have a discussion with me about the goings-on of the past nine months. As she had taken every dime of my disability checks and had blown it on what I could only assume was drugs. It had totaled over 8 grand and I never pressed charges because I am obviously a little mentally defunct with these lesions on my brain and the issues they present.

Reassessing everything

I've had 5 relationships since my wife and I went separate ways and I have come to some understanding of what the heck I've been doing but still sit here confused with what the hell I was trying to accomplish. I've always tried to help people and thought I could show them a better way and have stood by and sacrificed my safety, sanity, financial security, my freedom, my health, and my very life, suffering at the hands of narcissists. I swear my common sense has taken a major hit as cognitively I am not the same. I found myself in a full-blown flareup as I felt what I thought was a lightning strike as I dropped to the floor.

All of a sudden I was paralyzed

We were at a motel in Edgecomb and had been here for a couple of weeks. When stressed she would act out and I would be her whipping post as the insults, belittling, name-calling and the like would just escalate and would be out of control. She was screaming in my face in the doorway. I felt this rush of electricity like I had been struck by lightning, Just zzzztpf. I dropped to the floor and was paralyzed except for my left arm and neck. With a fire going down my right arm and shooting out my fingers. This is the only time this has ever happened to me while awake as I've said in my first story.

I was miserable

I was brought to pen bay in agony. I couldn't handle the burning pain in my neck and arm. As well as the chronic pain I already faced the amount of medication they pumped through my body is unbelievable. I was on 300 mg. of oxycodone, 120 mg. of oxycontin as well as Dilaudid drip every 20 mins. I was the most miserable prick, throwing Drs and nurses and whoever looked at me wrong out of my room. I had thrown myself on the floor one night trying to escape. Not making it very far that night. I would on 2 occasions during this flare-up, check myself out of the hospital, only to end up being brought back because I had no way of taking care of myself.

I tried again

The first time I checked out was against medical advice. I was still unable to walk or stand. However, under the influence of all these drugs as well as the lack of cognitive skills had poisoned my rationale and I didn't care if I lived or died and I was so tired of being in the hospital. I had a friend come get me and I was out for maybe four days. When I awoke to find I was in really in piss poor condition and out of meds already. My worker Brian came and got me and returned me to the hospital.

Hitting a serious low

It would occur again about a month down the road. I rented a room at a dive motel in Warren. I had her come get me this time as I could no longer bear being hospitalized. Wee had a knock-down drag-out argument and she took off on me. Leaving me to my own devices. Having no phone and no food or meds. I lay in that room for four more days. Not eating or drinking. Just laying there praying for death to come. But it would not come. As I've said, the lords not through with me. Again, Brian found me and took me back to pen bay. That would not be happening again I was told and I hung in there for the rest of my recovery. As again I went to PT and rehab.

Practicing gratitude

I am content and happy as I sit here this cold January night. It's about 10 below with the windchill. I'm staying at a motel in Rockport. A good friend of mine from the program named Clyson is half brothers with the owner and he accepted the housing voucher that I received from penquist. It's comfortable and quaint and it's full of people struggling with being homeless in this day and age of covid and all the turmoil that has presented itself to one and all of us. I have been working on starting my nonprofit and things keep falling into place. I can't describe the depths of my gratitude as I have been blessed over and over through the last 32 days.

Excited for what the future holds

I have started HOME Honor Our Manhood Everyday. Sharing my experience, strength and hope with men who are suffering from either of my diseases. I work hard on my physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being and share my story and what tools I've found that work for me, in recovery, as well as in my daily life living with what we know as this dreadful disease. I want you to know that this disease has robbed me of many things. However, now I feel as though this was a gift. I have learned that through my suffering I come to a higher level of understanding, acceptance, and caring for my fellow man. I will be moving forward with my website and fundraising next week. I am so looking forward to helping men like me in any way I can. Until next time my friends. Just know if I can overcome, I know you can. you are all in my thoughts and prayers. God bless.