SHOWER POWER!

I love being clean. Not only being clean, but getting clean. When I was going into first grade, the “Big Girl” grade, my mom told me that I could shower at night, and not have to ‘take a tub” anymore, because…well, I WAS a first grader now, and could begin to do more grown-up stuff. I was filled with gladness. One time, I even shaved off all the hair on my arms because I assumed that’s what big girls did. By the way…. they don’t.

I am the Shower Queen. I use to take looooooong showers, singing and lathering and conditioning just about everything. Sometimes I took two showers a day. It was my way of restarting the day in the late afternoon if I had a long night ahead. Showers picked me up, and refreshed my body and my mind.

Then I met MS. At the beginning of our relationship, MS was not much of a bother to me. Symptoms would come in waves, and be gone quickly. Sometimes symptoms would not return for months and months. There were many a day when I denied having met MS, and began agreeing with the doctors that these symptoms were in my head…configured or made-up somehow by me. I could just wash them away, pretty much, and go on with normalcy.

But, our relationship began to become more serious. MS and I began spending more time together. The made-up symptoms would come and stay longer, becoming less and less make believe and more and more new norm. MS slowly moved in, uninvited, and began to claim Squatter’s Rights inside my body. But, my special shower hour still seemed the best way to not only look better, but feel better, too.

This past year, MS and I are no longer on friendly terms. It had evoked Eminent Domain inside of me, and I was not unable to continue with my life as planned. It never left. It was not kind. It made little life things difficult, and no longer recognized my voice. It began to be a struggle to get up, and struggle to stay up, and a struggle to sleep. All these struggles have been adaptable, even though some of these adaptations have been life altering. With faith, family, and friends, I can do things I can’t.

But showers. My shower powers were gone now, and in their place was fatigue, frustration, and fear. Many days, I have to rest directly after my shower because I feel like I have competed in and lost a triathlon. Sometimes, I have to get out wet, shampoo in my hair, and lay down for a bit just to be able to cross the finish line.

Yes, I will continue to shower, but quicker and not as luxuriously. MS has taken from me this pleasure, but not all pleasures. I will find another special something that will hopefully make me feel as sparkling clean.

Maybe writing….

Lori Beach-Grass