Too Sexy for MS
It is both a tough and a touchy subject. What I’m about to express is part humor, part lamentation, but most of all honest. The topic is one that is to many a sensitive one and to most a secret one.
Desirability.
Yes, I’ve asked the question, “Desirable, me”?
I don’t nor can I speak for all women or people in general with MS or any other chronic illness, but it sure has affected my perception of the desirability factor of myself and probably for many others, both male and female. You see, now well into the consistent symptom and limitation phase of my MS, I’m just not feeling that vivacious vixen type vision of me. No more sultry gliding across the room in an enticing and seductive fashion. Nope, with mobility issues, now it’s slowly and unsurely most of the time. Wow, now isn’t that alluring?
Frankly, it can be troubling enough this aging thing, but then to add the vanquished physical capabilities (including fatigue) really only adds insult to injury to a marginalized feminine ego. Yet, despite all of the above, I'm told that I’m beautiful even sexy, with passion and conviction-- though I just don’t get it most of the time. If only I could psyche myself into becoming transformed in my mind into the being in what I have determined, is the one in his vivid imagination. Aha, then I just might be on to something.
Is it really possible that when he looks at me he sees something different than I do when looking in the mirror? Apparently so. That being said, it seems I have had more of a problem than my partner with how I view myself with a disability. He tells me I’m beautiful and I doubt the compliment. Interesting how we crave for people to see our inner beauty and not be judged by the physical, yet when they do just that, we choose not to believe them. Hmmm, that’s not good or fair to the one offering the compliment. I think it’s due time that when having self-esteem issues and doubts, to assume the positive and that the compliments are authentic and from the heart.
So once again I’ll ask “could it possibly be and should I contemplate the thought, even if sarcastically, of being too sexy for MS”?
Well, it’s kinda funny for sure…and it’s also kinda nice.
Lexine Darden
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