My Multiple Sclerosis Story

When I was 20, I received the news that would change my life forever.

I had been attending college in Dallas and was living away from home at the time. I had begun to experience weakness on the left side of my body during the summer of 2013. For example, my left leg became so weak that I was no longer able to run. I also had extreme difficulty trying to write with my left hand. These symptoms were initially mild, but gradually grew worse to the point that I ended up scheduling an MRI with a neurologist in Dallas that fall. The MRI showed multiple lesions on both my brain and spinal cord, confirming a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis.

What was MS?

At the time, I had no idea what MS was. All I knew was that I felt tired and dizzy most of the time, had frequent headaches, and was going to bed earlier than usual. Although I lived in a dorm with a couple of other guys, I spent most of my time in Dallas alone, isolated from others, with an illness I did not understand. If I didn’t understand it, how was I supposed to try and explain it to others?

I stayed silent about my MS

For the rest of the time I lived in Dallas, I kept silent about my MS. It was beneficial that I didn’t look sick on the outside. I wasn’t in a wheelchair, and my walking appeared normal for the most part. From the outside, no one could tell that I had MS. On the inside, however, I felt absolutely horrible most days. I was only 20, and I had no idea what was going on with my body at the time. It was only until years later that I began to educate myself about MS, as well as meet other people online who shared the same experience with the disease. Thankfully, I was also able to quickly get on treatment for my MS, which I continue using to this day. Overall, while this treatment has not rendered me completely symptom-free, it has kept my MS stable and reduced the number of flare-ups of my symptoms. To be able to start this treatment while I was living in Dallas was a huge relief for me.

There was just one problem. The school I was attending in Dallas was no “ordinary” college. I was attending a Christian university that existed for the purpose of training and sending out missionaries—a Bible school.

My education conflicted with my MS experience

Unfortunately, the leaders at this school heavily implemented the belief that physical, bodily healing of any disease was more than just a possibility; for a Christian, it was a divine right. Physical healing was something that was promised to all believers, and so you can imagine my confusion and frustration when, having told several of the leaders on campus about my recent MS diagnosis and receiving prayer, my disease remained. Not only this, but I was told by one of the leaders that if I simply “had enough faith”, I would be healed.

As I am writing this post, I am 29 years old. I still live with multiple sclerosis; however, I no longer identify as a Christian. This was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made, having been raised in the church and surrounded by other believers my entire life. Many people who were once my friends no longer speak to me, or want anything to do with me. However, I am very thankful to be married to someone who tries their best to understand my condition and support me as best as they can.

I'm learning to rebalance my life now

At the same time, however, MS continues to wreak havoc on my body. Every single day is different, and as I have learned, no two people with MS have the same experience with the disease. I spent the majority of my 20s trying to ignore the fact that I have multiple sclerosis. I tried to live as “normal” a life as possible, at least on the same level as my peers. Yet, while I tried my best to live in denial, I was always reminded in some way that MS was a part of me, and that I really wasn’t able to do everything I wanted to do physically. I am not trying to throw a pity party here. I am learning to balance my life as much as possible, and to take each day as it comes. I have learned to grieve the loss of the person I once was, and the abilities I used to have. Yet at the same time, I refuse to give up hope. I refuse to let this disease destroy me.