My Life With MS

So I was able to get through the Marine Corps, start my career, even earning my bachelors degree while even excelling in my job before my disease would land me on disability in my 30s. It really did feel like my illness would be more of an inconvenience at times and something I could manage, something I’d recover from each time. As I said though, exacerbations added up, I went a few years where I felt fantastic at the time, this disease can be active without you realizing it, then that was it. Even though I’d accomplished a lot, I was still very much on the upswing of my career when my body started going off the tracks.

A nagging feeling

With regards to my career, I felt like I was fulfilling my potential. I admit, I was and am extremely lucky. I grew up in an upper middle class home, with parents that are still together, who cared about me and my siblings and did all of the things you might expect. I am loved. My parents gave me and my siblings everything you could possibly need to get a good start in this world and at the same time reminded us that we were lucky. They both worked hard to give us what they didn’t have and I’m very thankful for that. In some ways though, that’s one of the reasons this issue of potential hits me so hard. When my disease hit me not only did it feel like I had taken my own hard work, but my family’s as well. That’s a hard pill to swallow, one that still stings me.

I know, I know, I shouldn’t feel this way, right? I didn’t take anything, I got sick, it was something I couldn’t control. It’s easy to say that, but when you are in my shoes, it feels much different. When you’ve planned and worked for something your whole life, how can you not feel like a failure when in that situation, no matter what the cause? Saying it isn’t my fault doesn’t make me feel much better. Sometimes, I kind of wish it was more my fault, I wish I had caused myself to be in this situation, at least then I could at least own up to it. I could admit to something and be able to move on. Instead, I have this nagging feeling of failure and I can’t even properly assign blame. I can’t properly get closure on it, so it stays with me, and I’m left wondering what could have been.

Feeling robbed

Thinking about what could have been can really mess with your head. I think it’s especially common for those that have had an illness rob them of their life, well, the life they expected to have anyway. It’s hard to not constantly be mourning what could have/should have been, had this disease not hit me. It really does take an active approach to stop looking back and start looking forward.

Even then, no matter how positive you are, no matter how in the moment you are, there are going to be times when you find yourself looking back and wondering. That’s especially true if you are stuck at home and not working. It’s OK to think about it sometimes, but it’s important to remember that the future can still be bright. Sometimes you have to accept that what could have been wasn’t and it’s time to move on. Having MS means we have to work a bit harder and adapt to what life gives us. That may mean we don’t have the life or career we always planned for, but that doesn’t mean our life can’t be even more worthwhile. That said, if you are weighed down by that burden of failed potential, know that you aren’t alone, a lot of us still deal with that, no matter how happy we may look.