My Flare-Ups, Fighting Back

There has been a major progression I have noticed in my flare-ups. My first experience was as I said TM (transverse myelitis). I recuperated out of pure willpower and with diligence I overcame. I had a relationship with God and it allowed me not to curl up in a ball and suck my thumb. My next couple of flare-ups were like getting kicked right in the you know what. As soon as I woke up I knew and did just that. It took me 19 years from my first signs of this dreadful curse of a disease we have and it robbed me of everything. I had to find a better way or die and I have been on that journey since 2014.

Why I feel prepared

I wish to share with you how I am prepared for my next one and have no fear or trepidation. I've given it to God those last couple of times. He got my attention by shaking me to the core, I spent 103 days in a hospital bed before even being transferred to a nursing home or taking the five steps I needed to show them before I could even progress to that point. That was in 2015 and early in my sobriety and I was riding that pink cloud I'd heard tell of in the rooms of AA. I equate myself to an ostrich whose life was saved by what actually broke me and destroyed my mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical self and health.

A man in progress

I would have been dead long ago were it not for them, as it was the necessary evil at the time. It's what it took to bring me down. As I've said that I felt my life and I had been on the top of a giant redwood. As I tumbled down thru those branches, as they were the troubles and lows of my life. I thought I had hit bottom many a time. Only learning a short or long period later on. Though now I know the tools I have learned in my sobriety and I use them every day of my life. As I willingly admit I am a man in progress. As all of us are. I am a very flawed individual that has done everything you can think of. I lost my children because I wasn't fulfilling my responsibilities as the man and father I should have and was in complete denial.

Reestablishing my faith

After that flare-up, I had another flare-up at the end of August and was in Pen Bat in Rockport, Maine in 2017. I was transferred to windward gardens in Camden Maine on October 12th. That's my sobriety date. I rededicated myself to my Lord and savior and had given myself to his words, the law, and to walk in the light and favor of the holy spirit. I live by following just that. I exercised, stretched swam 3 times a week.

Someone new entering my life

I got back into shape and met my weakness, a redhead. IDK why but I have no defenses against that smile and the long legs of that woman. As well as those green eyes and smiles that would turn slate gray and cold in the blink of an eye. We had met years ago and is 11 years younger than I, she had a crush from childhood. I knew her family and my best friend is her cousin. Yeah, being sober wasn't my problem here, playing God was. I used to not have boundaries, as well as a lot of other things I lost, had come to lose along the way. I went from doing really well buying and flipping cars to making money however more or less to help people in the program get back on their feet after they were sober for 6 months. I changed a heck of a lot and have matured finally. However, at the time I had fallen into that old pattern of abuse that started as a child. I was making excuses for her behavior to friends family. She had so many problems I have forgiven her and pray for her. However, we had an argument in mid-March 2019 and I told her I was going to have to go to jail to detox from her, not drugs. It's my story, that's what I said. They say wisdom comes with age and maybe just maybe I see the truth in that. I went to jail 3 days later and have shared that story with you.

Moving forward

However, today I work out every day. I live a prayer life. I take all the time I need and focus on self-care. I've come to know the lord and he doesn't want any of us to suffer. It's all a choice of what you are willing to accept as your reality. I've had to decide that no matter what I am grateful to God for all he has given me. I've learned that our spiritual lives are the single most important. I work out and train physically, mentally, emotionally every day except on the Sabbath. However, I did this morning cuz I'm stiff and sore.

Finding my boundaries

I hitchhiked and walked to the store yesterday after I talked to DHHS about reunification with my children. Today I can barely walk across the room without fearing they could just give out at any minute. I still try to help people and go to any lengths within reason. I have found my boundaries and I am prepared. The last one was solitary confinement as you know if you've read my work. God bless you guys. I pay for my MS family and have been humbled by the responses I've received. I'm now going to take a nap and pray for the rest of the day.