MS: My Identity Thief
Got MS? What about your identity? What about my identity? It may be the simple things that we can no longer do that enables us to begin to understand that Multiple Sclerosis has changed who we are, our identity to ourselves and to others close to us.
You probably heard it before, or you've said it yourself. "Since Multiple Sclerosis has entered my life, I'm not the old me." Duh, but of course I'm not. That does not mean that I'm any less because I do less than before, although honestly, I do find myself feeling that way at times. Too many times.
The challenges MS brings seems never-ending. The most recent obstacle I'm working through is strength and dexterity in my hands. I have been feeling for months that those abilities were circling down the drain. Kinda like a ring that dropped in the sink and couldn't be snatched before it disappeared. It was this difficulty using my hands I hoped would not become an issue, but alas it is here. And it has affected a part of an activity, a "simple" one, directly tied to my identity and my level of feeling competent. It's my signature.
I remember after being diagnosed with MS (22 years ago), the first time when I could not sign my name. I was at the grocery store and struggling to write a check and there I was suddenly unable to write my name legibly. I had no warning and it was quite unexpected. There I stood looking at my hand holding a pen as the cashier waited. Talk about performance anxiety! I paused and attempted to write my name again...my name in cursive. How could the inability to do such a seemingly small thing suddenly feel like a mountain of a challenge? Well, I did write it and it wasn't pretty but it was on the line. I was shaken up honestly. Fortunately, that particular symptom dissipated in short order, but I'm back there again and now paired up with relearning how to walk after suffering an exacerbation.
Sometimes the symptoms and ill effects of MS makes it much more difficult to do things that we have been doing for years. For some it might be athletics or dancing, or the ability to walk up and down the stairs. Perhaps even just walking unassisted itself. For many of us, it may very well be hoping for and trying to enjoy a pain-free day.
Sometimes I find myself wondering just who I am. It truly is a mind blower and heartbreaker when those capabilities leave you, and you're left with rebuilding another identity after Multiple Sclerosis steals the one you've been for many years. Sometimes the loss is ever so gradual. Other times it feels like a brash home invasion of your body movements and mind clarity.
Yes the identity thief that is MS has amassed a fortune of peoples abilities that cannot be replaced by money or disability insurance. The circumstance demands of us that we MSers know our worth and that it exists beyond the physical.
After all, we've already learned the most important things. Like how to smile and how to love and how to show care for others. And for all of those how to lessons I am truly grateful. For that is who I am. That is my identity. One that I'm determined that the identity thief will never steal.
Join the conversation