MS Hatred

By mtoddh

1 min read

I was diagnosed with PPMS about 6 years ago. I was in a state of denial for at least a year. Finally, I escaped denial realizing its not going away. I am thankful that I still have a full-time job as Information Technology Manager. My short-term memory almost does not exist, but long-term is still intact. I have been at this company for 43 years, which has become my only real contribution I can dredge up in my life. Yes, I have been told that I'm a great husband, father, and grandfather ( I just take the compliments as pity kindness).
I do have a problem of being happy with anything involving this evil disease. I am jealous of those who can. A friend, who also suffered with, told me "there are people out there who wish they only had my problems".

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pam11 Member
That was a silly comment from your friend. I can empathize about the MS hatred. Leaning into my ppms sadness right now.
Lori Foster Member
Hi <inline-mention username="mtoddh" user-id="4053674"/> . <inline-mention username="pam11" user-id="4504327"/> is right. That comment was not only silly, but it was highly ignorant. It doesn't matter what other people have or wish they had or how you compare to them. This is you, here and now. You are allowed to hate your MS, but MS wins if you let that hatred take the joy from your life. I am guessing those compliments from family were not said out of pity, but that MS is coloring the way you are perceiving them. Have you considered reaching out to a therapist or counselor? PPMS is a big deal and life-changer. I can't imagine getting a diagnosis without also getting depressed. Please know we are here for you when you need us. Sending loads of gentle hugs your way. - Lori (Team Member)
mtoddh Member
That friend was a pastor's wife (Carol) who lived with MS for a long time. She always wrote notes to those that had any kind of ailment even when she was bedridden. She told me that she could only do a couple in a day. When she finally died, I told the pastor (also a good friend of mine) that Carol was a blessing to all. During her funeral, I announced about her that The Lord has been waiting for her for a long time. So, you all wouldn't make snide comments about her if you knew her 🙁
mtoddh Member
That remark "it was highly ignorant" really hurt.
1. Lori Foster Member
 I am so sorry, <inline-mention username="mtoddh" user-id="4053674"/>. I assumed you were hurt or offended by her remarks. I should have remembered what they say about making assumptions. Many people become offended when they are told that they should be grateful their MS is not something worse even though they might say that to themselves. They feel it's a way of shutting them down when they complain. In the context of the post, I thought that was your intention. Again, my deepest apologies. - Lori (Team Member)
mtoddh Member
Lori, I'm very sorry for my reaction. I know you are my friend and a very good person. Sometimes our wounds remain forever overly tender.
1. Lori Foster Member
 No need for you to apologize at all, <inline-mention username="mtoddh" user-id="4053674"/>, but thank you anyway. It was a good wake up call for me to remember that each situation is unique. I have twins and often, when they were babies, other twin moms would want me to chime on their complaints about how difficult it was, especially with older children as well. But my best friend had just lost a baby at 38 weeks. I could feel nothing but gratitude for the fact of their existence. We all have different perspectives based on our experiences. Gentle hugs, friend! - Lori (Team Member)
Lori Foster Member
Hi <inline-mention username="mtoddh" user-id="4053674"/>. I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing now that the holidays have passed. Are you still working? Forty-three years is a long time to be with one company. That is amazing. Thinking of you. - Lori (Team Member)
1. mtoddh Member
 Hi Lori, the holidays went well. I'm still working, which is very good for me as it gives me a daily commitment which shows me I still have some value in life. It's time for me to confess to you that my MS mind still pushes me to do stupid things... A former employee lady texted me whishing me a happy new year. For some reason I replied saying that M.Todd had passed away. When my wife found out what I did, she was appalled and demanded that fix it, which I did. I called and explained that I did not die. Why did I do this stupid thing, I do not know 🙁
2. Lori Foster Member
 I hope you have forgiven yourself for that, <inline-mention username="mtoddh" user-id="4053674"/>. The mind can sometimes have a mind of it's own! Was the former colleague understanding? I am glad your holidays went well and that you are still working. I am sure work is good for you in many ways. Wishing you the very best for the year to come. - Lori (Team Member)