Trying

Diagnosed in 2011, the last 12 years have been *knock on wood* fairly uneventful.

Besides fatigue and occasional aches and pains, I have been "lucky" that my MS journey hasn't been rockier. At a recent appointment, my doctor told me to watch out for that 10-year mark, that my body will begin to rebel. She wasn't kidding.

My body has weakened

Lately, my body had weakened dramatically. Throughout the day, fatigue, horrible pain, dizziness wrack my body.
But, as a mother of 3 and wife to a football coach, life just tends to get busier.

I am struggling with how to do all the things, yet still take care of me.

I have never had great self esteem. An abusive childhood taught me to sit and be quiet; to not make any more chaos than there is already.

I don't like to call attention to myself, do things for myself when there are other things I could do for others. I put off MRI's because that money could be spent elsewhere. I poopoo my symptoms and answer, "great!" when asked, "How are you doing?"

Trying to be more present

I am trying to be more present with myself and what my body is telling me. To rest when needed and not feel guilty about it. To be ok with having cereal for dinner when I just can't. To do that yoga, walking, or stretching video when I just feel like a puddle.

I am trying to be better. Trying to see myself as worthy of rest. When my body betrays me, I need to realize that I am not being lazy, but simply storing up energy to tackle the next day. MS has dramatically changed me – maybe for the better in some ways.

The universe is telling me that I matter even when I don't always feel like I do. That I am loved even when I'm not functioning at the peak of productivity, by myself and others.