The Who I Used to Be

By asapcynthia

2 min read

Do you ever feel lonely in a room full of people? Do you ever wake up feeling great, and anticipate a good day with lots of accomplishments, only to find it blow up in your face before lunch? Are you ever affected by the sheer dread of having to leave the house? Are you full of questions that have no answers? Are you sick of people who have all the answers but have no idea what the questions are? I could go on and on, but you get the idea.

The shifting sands of this disease

The problem is the shifting sands of this disease. A truth one day may not be reliable the next. I guess it's true that old saying 'the only certainties in life are death and taxes' applies to everyone. But it’s different for us. Things that other people do off the cuff takes me days to prepare for, and at the last second I back out. I think over the past twenty-five years I’ve risen to the challenge more often than not. I've shown up with a smile plastered on my face many times when I would have rather stayed home. I'm tired of worrying about handicapped accessibility, of the location of the closest bathroom, of taking a header because I wore the wrong shoes.

Attempting to let go of guilt and the person I used to be

I have recently started seeing a therapist in an attempt to let go. I have to quit thinking backwards. I have to let go that I can’t be anyone's rock anymore. I'm sick of the guilt that comes with constant disappointments, the people I let down, the people that let me down. I can’t fix anything anymore, that go-to girl got up and went a long time ago. I recently turned sixty. I look at the person I used to be, and, damn I was good. I have two adult children with jobs, their own insurance, college educations, and neither of them live in my basement. I raised them to have optimism and hope, and not be afraid when things get tough. I raised them to have faith and be kind, to realize they may be the center of my world but not they are by no means the center of the universe. Boy, therapy dredges up a lot of stuff.

My biggest fear

My biggest fear is that they won’t remember who I was. When they think of me will it be one who moved mountains or the me now. The uncertain, timid, hesitant, dependent, needy shell of me that sits in a recliner all day. Like I said, I need to let go. Just get a trash can and dump all the what if’s, what was, and what will be's in it and be done with it. I need to learn that the only certainty is right now, and who I used to be doesn’t matter. Just accept who I am today and stop thinking about the past.

I know I rambled on quite a bit, and I’m not sorry. So there. I'm learning.

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Kim Dolce Moderator & Contributor
<inline-mention user-id="3947208" username="asapcynthia"/> , you are still moving mountains every day. I hope your children see it that way, understand that for you, a foothill can feel like Everest when your climbing gear is missing a few tools. Thank for sharing your story, hopes and fears with us, we feel you! Best, Kim, moderator
Devin Garlit Moderator
Thank you for sharing <inline-mention user-id="3947208" username="asapcynthia"/> , your thoughts are ones that go through SO many of our minds. I've been at this disease a while and I still struggle with thoughts like these, it's near impossible not to. Kudos to seeing a therapist, that's something I recommend to everyone with MS. It has the same importance as seeing a physical, speech, or occupational therapist, it's important, even if you don't feel you need it. As for being concerned what your children may think, I have a somewhat unique perspective in that, not only do I have MS, I grew up with a grandfather who had it. He became completely disabled, to the point of even being on a ventilator, he moved in with us when I was a kid, and I helped care for him and watched him go down hill. I tell you this, my opinion of him never wavered, even in his worst condition, he was still the old and touch guy I always new, in fact, he was even tougher in my eyes because of all he dealt with. So just because we can't do the same things or maybe look worse off, it doesn't mean our loved ones don't still see us a strong people. Even if they don't say it.
1. asapcynthia Member
 Thank you. I did what I did for me. I can’t lose sight of that. When I enter my eternal rest it will be faithful to the Girl Scout motto- leave the place better than you found it. I am glad I did what I did when I could, time being something none of us know how long we have. MS should come with five free visits a year to a therapist. I makes you say all that junk you keep inside to protect ourselves and our loved ones. Once the words are out, you actually hear what you feel and how off base you may be, or even the reverse- how on target you are. And to discuss it with someone who has no preconceived idea of who you are- heaven!
not found
Thank you for sharing this; it brought me to tears and made me realize how much I'm in need of a good therapist, which I will now prioritize. I've been in a dark place since my diagnosis in 2011, beating myself up with memories of the athletic, fun person I used to be—and who I am no longer because of MS. My husband knew the me before MS and now has to care for the me as I get worse with time despite all attempts to make myself feel physically comfortable in my own skin. I find myself hating every day that I can no longer be the woman I was before. Yeah, it's time for therapy to at least try to feel mentally comfortable in my own skin. -Laura