I Want My Best Friend Back

You, my friend, have been so distant lately. No matter what I have tried, we cannot seem to reconnect. I know I am not the person that you used to know, but I am trying my best to be there for you. I want to spend more time together like we used to do. It seems like the older I get, the less time we have for each other. Stress, family, work, and other obligations always seem to get in the way of us spending quality time together. I have known you for as long as I can remember, and I would like to reconnect with you. The sooner, the better.

How I remember it being

When I was young, I was not exactly thrilled to spend time with you. I felt like you distracted me from other things that I felt were more important. However, as I entered my teenage years, we became very close. We spent loads of time together, and I always looked for an excuse to be with you. We would be together 8, 9, 12 hours, and still, I wanted more time. Even into my early 20s, our time together was always so special to me.

Life got in the way of us

Then my first child was born, and it was so hard to find time to get uninterrupted visits with you. My second child came, and for a while, I did not think I would ever see you again. Two jobs to support my kids and spending time with them, and you became a distant memory that I only spent time with you when I had no other choice. Our relationship became strained and out of necessity instead of one of enjoyment. It was a difficult transition. Someone how, we made it through. As the years passed, jobs, kids, pets, other relationships, all kept coming between us. No matter how much I tried you became so elusive. A few times I thought I lost touch with you all together. It became a real struggle. When we would spend time together, we would spend hours fighting before we could actually spend time together and it began to feel like going to war instead going to visit my friend. We just grew apart. We were no longer close. It is getting to the point that I actually have to struggle with myself not to hate you because our friendship is so strained.

I daydream about the time we spent together before it all

All I want is my friend back. I want to be close again. I want to spend more quantity and quality time together. I actually daydream about you when we are not together. There is nothing more that I want today, as I rub my dry itchy eyes, than to spend some time with my best friend, sleep. Oh, how I miss you. My family, pets, job, and my new MS diagnosis all keep me from you. The pain in my feet and legs make it a real struggle to connect with you.

How my relationship with sleep looks lately

Last night, I got 2 hours of sleep. That is not enough to function on. For as long as I can remember, I have always been better at sleeping during the day than at night, but I have always held day shift jobs, so my relationship with sleep has always been like war, but now it is even worse. I am to the point now I dread going to bed. When I do not have to work the following day, I stay up watching TV or playing video games until I cannot hold my eyes open any longer. Then I go to bed, pass out, but wake up early the next morning. I think the most sleep I have gotten in one night is 5 hours. Except about once a month, I get so exhausted that I sleep for 12 hours straight just to get caught up. Then the cycle begins again. I just would like to be able to go to bed, close my eyes, and fall asleep. Rest, though elusive, sounds so nice to me.

If lack of sleep makes symptoms worse, and I can't sleep, what do you suggest I do about it???

My doctor told me that lack of sleep will cause my symptoms to get worse. Well, that is amazing. What do you suggest I do about it? Sleep and I have not been close for years. Now with my all my pain and spasticity, sleep is even more difficult. No one seems to understand. My husband says well, just stop watching TV and go to bed. Like that is the miracle cure I did not think about myself. It is so amazing to me that my bed can feel like it is made of stone with a stone pillow when I am trying to go to sleep, but feels like a cloud so soft and cuddly when the alarm goes off. Please tell me I am not the only one that has struggled with insomnia even before your MS diagnosis, found it is even worse now that you have MS. Or do you have the other issue that my friend has, she cannot seem to stay awake. I guess either is terrible.

I know other people here understand me

Thank you for reading my story and listening to me. I feel so less alone reading everyone’s stories and comments. Before finding this group, I was feeling like no one understood what I was going through. Now I know that other are going through the same thing. I am not alone. I might not be close to my best friend, sleep, but at least there are others out there that also have this issue and I am not crazy nor alone.