I Am Not Afraid

I am not afraid.

I am floating in a sea of treachery, floating in betrayal of my own flesh. I bob up and down. The waters yield no mercy. The hands of fear grab my ankles, pulling me under. I scream with all of my strength: "I am not afraid!".

Sinking in a whirlpool of dismay, the waters seep deep into my pours, drowning my thoughts as despair overwhelms my senses. I cannot let it win. Not this time, not this day. I may have no powers over this disease, but I have a spirit that will keep me afloat. This is all I have, my one weapon, my one safety vest. My spirit.

"I am not afraid!" I shout to the world.

I show no signs of cowardice. I know in my heart I will never win this war, but I will win this battle. For I will push past it, to never falter. Step by step I will never back down. No regrets, no remorse. One step, two steps, I keep moving forward.

It is a battle we face daily. Sadly it will never end. It hurts, it cuts deep. Our wounds will never heal. The scars will never fade. How can one keep a brave face in the eyes of the enemy that knows it will never lose, it has us and it doesn't care. I don't know actually. I honestly cannot tell you how. A brave face. A stout heart. A spirit that shines. This is all we have.

Our spirit, it is the one thing multiple sclerosis can never grab hold of. It tries, it tries with everything it has. But it is always out of its reach, it can never truly be touched, it resides just out of its grasp. This infuriates it. It snarls, it screams. The teeth bite deep, but it will never touch it, our spirit floats above it all.

Use this. Rise above it all.

Let the waters cleanse you. Let it wash away your wounds, to mend your shattered emotions. The tears, the moans. The anguish. Try to calm yourself. To breathe once more. See in yourself the powers that exist. You've been there this whole time. You've never left. It cannot erase who you are, it will try, but it will never win.

We have our faith. The faith in ourselves. We cannot give up, we must never bend the knee and yield. I am weak, I am weary but I will never wave the white flag. I will never lower my head and to say to the disease in a whisper, "You win."

I look above it, past it. There is more to life than living in its fear. I have love in my heart. I am confident, positive. Hopeful. I use this, I grasp it and hold tight. I am exhausted, I kneel in weariness, dripping in sweat, but I am still fighting. The flames of my being ignite a maelstrom of fire that can never be drenched.

I have hope, I have love.

The disease can never truly win. It may take my body but it can never take my heart.

"I am not afraid!" I scream with every last nerve.

I will win this battle. God help me, I will win this battle.