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Hiding and hiding and...14 years later still hiding

dcami's avatar image

By dcami

1 min read

I choose to hide my MS diagnostic from everyone. After a tragic loss in my
family nobody could have dealt with my MS. By nobody I mean one remaining
parent. That was 14 years ago. I'm still hiding. And is still my choice. Right?

Fear of payback

I'm not complaining. I've learned not to complain. Not only because it's
useless, but mostly out of fear. Every time I've complained about a
symptom, the ''thing'' send me something ''better''... Payback.
That's how I ended up with fatigue, some cognitive issues (small),
migraines, depression, and anxiety...nothing to complain about.

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Slowly letting people in

I did not have ''a village'' to help me raise my kid just as I do not have a
network to reach to when MS is challenging me. The only people I've talked
about (except for my husband) are the doctors. And recently my therapist
because well...I've reached some no returning point :) But he's also on the
safe side so it's still hiding. But maybe less?

I'm fine as long as I look fine

I'm obviously fine. As long as I can keep on hiding it means I can walksans aide, I can take care of my perfect, amazing kid, the house...
But that's it. I feel nothing. I don't want to feel anything. I can't afford to feel anything,
good or bad.

Calm and safe

A few years ago I discovered that getting slightly sad or happy
it can affect me for days to come. So I'm pushing everything away or deep,
deep inside. Be happy, be grateful, and be in the now! Whatever works for you...
I just want to feel calm and safe. Whatever that means...

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