Curiosity

By katekelly

1 min read

I had my annual overhaul at rehab this past week. While I hate the idea of going, they have probably saved my life. While thinking about how to give an update on my life, one of the things I have noticed this year is the lack of curiosity I have in life. I was always a curious person. I wanted to know how things worked. If I saw something that interested me, I wanted to know how to do it. Over the years I have taught myself to spin and weave. I was also always very curious about the world in general, politics, science, literature, just about anything. If I didn’t have the answer I knew how to find out and research the topic I was pursuing.

Now I just don’t care. Perhaps this comes from coping with the day-to-day achievement of just getting out of bed, with pain, and disability. There is no energy left for inquisitiveness. Of all the things I have lost to MS, this bothers me the most. It was what made life interesting. It gave me something to talk about with people and allowed me to share in the community.

This didn’t happen overnight. I have had MS for over 40 years. I have SPMS, but I manage. Some days are good, some I’d rather not talk about. It’s just been slowly eroding over the past few years and I think my curiosity completely died in the past 12 months. I could blame it on the pandemic, but that isn’t the truth. Anyone else find this?

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Kim Dolce Moderator & Contributor
<inline-mention username="katekelly" user-id="3991094"/> yes, I have lost interest in the world more times than I can remember. I don't know what age group you are in, but I am 64, and my engagement in the world outside my head has waxed and waned throughout the decades for various reasons. For example when the smoke cleared after my first MS attack, I detached myself from everything except work and a research project. I believe it was a coping mechanism that kept me from falling into a deep depression, a kind of no-man's-land that kept me emotionally flat, calm, functional, and focused. It lasted for 3 and a half years. Most recently I lost my appetite for politics and current events of all kinds, likely a classic case of burn-out after a tumultuous five years of socio-political conflict the likes of which I have not seen since my teen years in the early 1970s. This malaise shall end too, just like those before it. Take heart. This too shall pass. Life is change.
katekelly Member
I am in the same age bracket as you. I am 62. I’ve had episodes like this in the past, but I think this one is here to stay. I agree with you assessment of the political/social stuff. I think in so many ways we are suffering from collective PTSD. I imagine that life after WW2 was much the same. The difference was that people were pulling together not arguing the colour of air. I am just tired, tired deep down in my soul. 
1. Erin Rush Community Admin
 <inline-mention username="katekelly" user-id="3991094"/>, I am glad you shared your thoughts. I am a bit younger (Gen X) and I always ask older generations about how they feel about the current times we find ourselves in. I am pretty sure the whole of humanity is dealing with various levels of PTSD at this point. And I can relate to that bone deep weariness of the soul. Thank you for sharing! Best, Erin, <a href='https://multiplesclerosis.net' target='_blank'>MultipleSclerosis.net</a> Team Member.
Laura Kolaczkowski Moderator & Contributor
<inline-mention username="katekelly" user-id="3991094"/> , boy do your words resonate with me. I'm a few years past your age and without work outside the home there isn't a whole lot of extra stimulation. Additionally, this pandemic lockdown has worn on us all. Toss in the general weariness of living with MS and it turns into a really bad combination. The good news is we recognize this malaise and perhaps someday we will care about it enough to make changes. Until then, continue to get out of bed each day and be kind to yourself. That's a good enough place to start. Laura, MSnet moderator