"Do You REALLY Need That Cane?"

By utopianj

2 min read

So, today at work, as I was leaving at 7 am, (I do the overnight shifts sitting at a Front Desk of a condo, because that's all I can really manage to do nowadays), my boss is coming in, and he actually sort of sneers at me, and says, "Do you REALLY need that cane? I've seen you walking without it." I proceeded to tell him that, "Yes, I can walk some without it, and once in a while I forget, and do, but my neurologist has told me I'm an idiot for thinking I don't need it, and not using it. He's scared I'll end up falling and breaking something." You see, balance has become quite an issue for me.

What I really wanted to say to him was, "Do you REALLY use that brain? Because I heard you talking without it."

Fatigue is my constant enemy

Now, I'm new to MS, diagnosed at age 59, only 9 months ago, though I obviously had been suffering for the last few years without knowing it. I went from being a theater techie, climbing ladders and hanging lights, etc., for the last 40+ years, to now, barely managing to sit at a desk for eight hours, 5 nights a week, and say hello to the 2 or 3 people that might come and go. Fatigue is my constant enemy.

Am I a victim of discrimination because of MS?

But, please... am I a victim of discrimination because of my MS? Should his comment truly disturb me, (as much as it has), or am I being oversensitive? I asked him if he knew anything about MS, and he said no. I tried teaching him some about my fatigue, and how I think it's pretty amazing that I have NEVER missed ONE DAY in THREE YEARS at this job, even with my MS. He wasn't interested at all, and actually told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. This is the first time I've had stuff which I consider so unbelievably, incredibly crass, said to me. And by my boss, no less! Your thoughts?

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Kim Dolce Moderator & Contributor
<inline-mention user-id="4004236" username="utopianj"/> , you aren't being overly sensitive, sweetie, you had a normal emotional reaction to a callous, mean remark. Your response was great; it wasn't defensive, merely informative. You attempted to enlighten him about how MS affects you, which I would have done (and have in similar circumstances), hoping it somehow tunnels through the cynicism. But we often hit brick walls with people and walk away with icky unresolved feelings. I deal with this by going to my safe place--home, alone, where I can go inside myself, and start shaking it off. First I scream at whatever moron upset me and say the things I didn't say when it happened. Then I tell myself how well I'm doing, how happy and well-adjusted I really am. Doing this counteracts the lies the morons tell us about ourselves, i.e., it's his perception that you feel sorry for yourself, not reality. Sometimes I call my sister if I'm really upset and tell her what happened. I know she'll come through with love and support, and it helps. Finally, I always use these experiences as opportunities to sharpen my game. I think about other ways to respond to such unpleasant remarks so I'm better prepared and therefore less vulnerable next time. Being caught off guard is what upsets us. Thank you for sharing this experience, it'll help people feel less alone with their own painful interactions. --Best, Kim, moderator
1. utopianj Member
 Thank you SO much. I truly appreciate your response. It is very obvious that he went home and thought about the conversation, because he has been walking on eggshells around me since then. I guess if I taught him something, then I can put up with his inanity that day
debbiecp Member
I would go to HR and talk about his comment 'stop feeling sorry for yourself '. That is inappropriate coming from your boss. If no HR, talk to his boss.
eggladym1 Member
If people have no clue what MS is or how it affects us, they can be very unfeeling and say downright ignorant things. I was one who tried very hard not to use devices to help my walking and balance issues. I felt I "wasn't there yet." Call me hard headed. However, after many falls and many injuries, I finally got it! I was there, after all! After this last fall, the orthopedic surgeon told me to get rid of the cane as it was doing more harm than good. She suggested these crutches with arm bands. I call them "my sticks". I was very leary at first. I felt it was another step toward a wheelchair. How wrong I was. They are so much more stable than a cane. I feel much safer. My husband is just amazed at how well I get around . So, you do what you have to do to stay safe. People like us have to have a thick skin because others that have no idea what we deal with day in and day out will ALWAYS make ignorant comments. So let them yammer and let it roll off your back like a duck let's water roll off its back.
1. Shelby Comito Community Admin
 Thank you so much for chiming in and sharing your thoughts <inline-mention user-id="4092443" username="eggladym1"/> . I know many here have also shared how the mere thought of using accessibility devices felt like a prison, only to find out later that these tools offered freedom, confidence, and independence. Thanks so much for sharing your experience and encouragement! - Shelby, <a href='https://multiplesclerosis.net' target='_blank'>MultipleSclerosis.net</a> Team Member
bayard42 Member
Meant to say as to boss. Some or many people are and Like to be helpful to others as to what they can. Some not. This is the way they are , nothing personal. Your boss lacks empathy before you met him and will be afterwards afterwards. You are the captain as to what needs to be done.