Finding Peace Amidst Anxiety

Five. That is how many times I ran into things today. Doorways, furniture, or even people are at risk for an impromptu and unintentional shoulder or hip check. Body awareness is not something I ever had a lot of. Add in 18 years of MS, and it’s amazing that I am not a huge walking bruise 24/7.

Lately, though, as of my writing this, the level of run-ins with inanimate objects is at an all-time high. You know what else is at an all-time high for me?

Anxiety.

The consequences of anxiety on my body

With it, my mind has been moving quicker than it can even process. My health, my partner, our old cat, loved ones, friends, what may happen, what may not happen, I’ve thought about it all. Constantly.

Living in my head has had consequences on my body that I was not fully anticipating but am not surprised by; my already iffy body awareness slumped to new lows. My body as a whole felt heavy and weak. Simple tasks were becoming increasingly exhausting. My brain was tired of thinking, and then my body went right along with it.

It turns out having endless endless anxious thoughts don’t leave a lot of room to think about anything else. Surely, thinking about intentionally moving my body was not happening. Hence the excessive number of collisions I experienced with corners on a daily basis.

Unable to be present in the moment

Once I realized this, I reflected back how often I was actually present during the day.

What I found was humbling. Even during workouts, when all I should be paying attention to is feeling the muscle engage and sensing my body in space as I move, I wasn’t. I was complaining in my head or comparing how I used to be able to workout to now. The absolute last thing I was during exercise was in the moment.

Ooof. That’s a hard pill to swallow.

I needed to become present again

After accepting where I was at, I knew I needed a solid plan to become more present again. My plan was to do the opposite of what my head wanted to do. Yes, you read that right: I would do the opposite.

At the time I was spending too much time on the hamster wheels in my head. It was keeping me stagnant and anxious. I needed to be in my body again. I needed to do the opposite: to consciously feel my body move instead of endlessly thinking.

I started with something simple. I told myself that whenever I am up walking around the house I would do it mindfully. Meaning, when I go from sitting to standing, I am consciously feeling my heel press into the ground and my quads engage as I push to stand up. Then I am focusing on engaging my core, standing up straight, lifting my leg with intention, and pushing off the back foot as I walk. After I got to where I was going I would silently say ‘thank you,’ ‘good job,’ or ‘you did it’ to my body. The goal was to feel the mind-muscle connection and to consciously appreciate my body as I moved.

Turns out something (not so surprising) happened, but I actually had to experience it myself to feel its power.

A renewed connection with myself

I noticed that when I focused my awareness on intentionally moving my body, my brain was quiet. The hamster wheels stopped, and all my attention was on moving my body.

Not only that; all the signs of gratitude I showed my body resulted in a renewed confidence in and connection with myself. Way more connected than I ever felt thinking thoughts on top of thoughts.

So I expanded my little experiment and began paying attention to how I was holding my body while driving, maneuvering through life, doing errands, laundry and the like.

The same thing happened. I felt more connected, stronger even, and my loud brain was less so. Whoa.

Getting through anxiety

As someone that has had a tumultuous few years, this shift in anxiety and reconnection with my body was nothing short of amazing. I was so very over being in my head, spinning my wheels, without any forward motion. But, intentionally moving lets all of that anxious energy out while quieting the chatty Cathy that is my head.

Now when a particularly high anxiety day happens, I know what to do. I will do whatever I can in that moment to get reconnected with my body. It may be stretches in bed where I really focus on feeling the muscles being used. Or it may be smaller, like consciously paying attention while walking to the kitchen for a snack. Or sitting up straight and with more intention while writing. Whatever it is, I know that when anxiety is high, getting back to my home (my body) is key.

When you are anxious, what do you do to shift how you feel?