The Game of Shifting Expectations

We all set expectations for ourselves: expectations of when we will accomplish something, expectations that we will remain healthy, or expectations of how a meeting will go. Whether they are big or small, we all have expectations.

While it’s great to set goals or anticipate things, expectations are just that: expectations.

I’m not sure what you think, but in my opinion MS laughs at expectations and does its own thing. It’s a burden that MS does this (especially to my type A planning-obsessed brain). However, this burden comes with a blessing: MS throws out expectations. This should be a great thing - hellooooo freedom! Right?!?! Well, I wish I could say that reframe completely shifted my mindset and I never got bent out of shape when my expectations were not met ever again. But, alas, it took a little longer to enjoy the freedom that comes when there are no expectations.

Adjusting my expectations is hard

Here’s a little back story of the light bulb moment that got me there though. This year has unexpectedly been a whirlwind, but not in a good, happily swept-off-your-feet way. More in a WHAT is happening, why more challenges, give-me-a-break type of way.

The most recent “fun,” as of my writing this, has been an increasing number of unpredictable symptoms day to day. This means that most days start with me bright-eyed and bushy-tailed with plans (and expectations of how the day will go). As the hours tick by, symptoms increase and my capacity to do what I wanted to do changes significantly. Logically, I know adjusting my expectations is the path of least resistance as far as living with MS is concerned, so I often do just that.

However, sometimes the inner Sicilian firecracker in me is too stubborn. I just don't want to be flexible. I want to do what I want to do. The constant adjusting of expectations is an annoyance at best, a gut punch at worst. On those days instead of adjusting and moving on, I view MS as a never-ending burden causing my thoughts, energy, and mood to spiral.

Stuck in a void of wishing what was

Sure, you may be thinking, "have less expectations and this problem would be fixed. DUH!" To me that is not the answer. We need expectations, goals, and plans. I think they help us find purpose, and stay motivated and engaged in our lives.

To me the solution is to still have expectations of what you want to do, but shift how you view them.

Expectations are not and will never be guarantees. The only expectation we need to have is that they will change…often. That way when the inevitable change happens, you don’t get stuck in the void of wishing what was. That space is full of longing and sticky with grief, because you see both your expectations and reality.

To me, it was clear that excessively dwelling and living in that space was making my life worse, mentally and physically. I spent so much time filled with visions of the life I knew and loved slipping through my fingertips, all I saw was loss.

Shifting my expectations

Cue the good ‘ol light bulb moment.

NO one was forcing me to set up shop and stay in this dark void that is wishing what was, but I was choosing to hold myself there despite my disdain for it. So therefore, I could choose to NOT linger there excessively, too.

I could choose how much energy I gave toward being upset that expectations weren’t upheld. I could choose how I viewed needing to regularly adjust. I could choose how much I wanted to focus on feeling frustrated by my current reality.

Similarly, I could choose how much energy I put toward being compassionate and adjusting. I could choose to see this as a chance to get creative and adjust. I could choose how to move through yet another challenge from MS.

It really was up to me to make it a lesson (and a blessing) or not.

All is not lost

Knowing that my choices have the power to bring the feeling of freedom that comes with having no expectations and accepting what is, was impactful. I may not be able to control MS, but I can choose how I live with it.

Now when I get really bent out of shape about not being able to do what I want to, when I want to, I remember that I still have a choice. I am still the driver in my life (even if MS is literally the most annoying backseat driver ever). All is not lost.