Finding Light Through Darkness: Accepting My MS Diagnosis
I read a poem that deeply resonated with me and my 18+ year journey with MS…
I kept running away
from my darkness
until I understood
that in it I would
find my freedom
Excerpt from Inward by Yung Pueblo, 9
The first time I read it I was catapulted back to a transformative time in my life. I was the unhealthiest version of myself yet, mentally and physically. Plus, after a decade of living with MS, I was still in denial about having it. I thought I could ignore it, fight it, or avoid it. During that time I was taking medicine, but was nowhere near accepting MS, nor did I have a full understanding of what having it meant to me.
A change was beyond overdue
Since I had never faced MS, it was a dark cloud that was always in tow. After years, my darkness was weighing me down. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally dragging through life. I went through the motions, fought to get through each day, and would let out a large exhale and collapse into my bed at night.
It was exhausting, and a change was beyond overdue. So instead of ignoring my thoughts, I did something different – I began to reflect.
I asked myself…
‘What does having MS mean to me?’
’How do I want to live with MS?’
’How can I come to terms with the unknowns?’
’How do I flow with the ups and downs instead of fight, kick, and scream through them?’
Understanding what MS meant to me
Answering these questions were tough. It required placing self-judgments and criticisms aside, tapping into my values, and navigating lots (and lots) of emotions. All of which required serious soul-searching and patience.
It was a slow process; I would answer the question one day with whatever popped into my head. Then I would set my journal aside and marinate on that for awhile: hours, days, or weeks. Later, I revisited the questions and my answers, making edits, adding hopes, dissolving fears, and getting crystal clear on my darkness. Eventually, I understood what MS meant to me and how I wanted to live with it.
Accepting life with it
Next, I toyed around with the idea of acceptance by reflecting on new questions…
What does acceptance look like when a chronic illness is involved?
What does acceptance mean to me?
What do I need to process to fully accept MS?
Through this I learned about the concept of radical acceptance: that I may not like the situation, but I can still accept reality and shift my focus to responding to it in a way that is in line with the life I want to live. The idea that you didn’t need to be okay with a situation in order to accept it and move onward was perfect for my ongoing journey with MS.
Over time I accepted MS is my reality, whether I like it or not, and that it was a waste of my precious time and energy to focus on things outside of my control. I accepted that MS does and will continue to affect my life, and I may need to do things differently because of it. I accepted that while I can’t always control what happens to me, I can control how I respond to it and what I focus on. Through this I realized that I didn’t have to be pushed and pulled around by MS 24/7. It was empowering.
A weight lifted off my shoulders
That realization was one of those prized light bulb moments in life, where all the pieces of the puzzle come together beautifully and meaningfully and finally it all makes sense.
I started to ride the ups, downs, twists and turns in a way that aligns with the life I want for myself. This major shift in mindset for me resulted in tangible benefits, too. Finally, after all these years, I had the freedom I craved. It was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders.
Ironically, I spent so much time trying to ignore and stuff down MS in order to keep living, but it was through facing and accepting MS that I found a way to live again. All of the things that I was suppressing dissipated, which freed up space for me to create a life that worked for me and MS. It was life -changing.
Have you accepted your MS diagnosis?
Of course life with MS is not all rainbows and butterflies, we all know that. But, I will say that facing the hard times and practicing acceptance through them provides me freedom in an often confining experience. I’m not sure about you, but personally I’ll take anything that softens the edges on the sometimes prickly experience that is living with MS.
I know I am not alone on the journey to acceptance and I am curious…
What is your experience with acceptance? Have you accepted your diagnosis? Why or why not? How has it impacted your journey with MS? Share it in the comments!
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