Partner with MS - Attitude Taking a Toll
Hello all,
I wanted to get some advice. My partner has been diagnosed with RRMS for half a year. They have been struggling a bit mentally and have been going to a counseling session every week. My significant other does not suffer from fatigue and their legs have not been affected but they will get their flare ups especially when stressed.
When I am asked what should they do when they feel like that in their moments, I try to calmly state to take deep breaths and see how they feel.
Most time when they express how they are depressed, I listen. However, I have been getting responses where they feel that I don’t understand how they feel or they feel invalidated. I don’t ever invalidate feelings but they feel my silence (or what I call active listening) does not help.
But when I give “advice” they do not accept it. They also ask questions to me as though I am a doctor but I am still learning as well.
Slowly, it has been tapping me back into my depression. I’m a really bubbly person and it’s hard to navigate this. Even being told I am “blind” to it all.
Feeling like a punching bag but I know it stems from fear as they mentioned.
Not sure what to do when I try to convey understanding.
Any advice?
Hi
I am so glad you reached out. I can hear how difficult this is for you. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to try to help. I am sending over an article from one of our members with MS. In this article, he tries to explain how he is feeling, I wondering if this can help you: https://multiplesclerosis.net/living-with-ms/advice-for-family-and-friends. I am sure all of this is taking a toll on you. I want to make sure you are getting the help you need as well, I am hoping this article will be of use to you: https://multiplesclerosis.net/caregiver/resources. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. Sending you strength. Jill (Team Member) I hear you. And, as a stoic person myself, I understand your actions and how you are feeling as a result of the feedback you are receiving.
As someone experiencing symptoms,(without diagnosis) and sometimes spiraling with fear that things are going to fall apart... relationship, friendships, work, finances, etc...it can be a lot to deal with internally. When I first started talking openly with my now husband, he always wanted to suggest things to do. Fixes for whatever I was talking about.
I understand now that this is his love language. It is how he copes with what I am telling him.
But it would make me so irrationally angry or upset because I didn't want a fix. I didn't want another thing to try or another thing to do. All I wanted was someone who loves me to listen to what I was saying, and acknowledge that it sucks sometimes.
It took me a few months to figure this reaction out, and it really made me feel horrible that I was having such a negative reaction to his concern. But finally, I was able to sit down with him and tell him that when I'm in a spiral, or when I'm scared, or when it hurts... all I really want is for him to acknowledge that my feelings are valid and it sucks sometimes.
I don't know your partner, or what they're dealing with on an individual level, but maybe just acknowledging that it's hard what they're dealing with will help opening the communication to a more helpful dialogue with them.
And one thing, as an active listener, that I've started doing when people share with me... I ask how they want me to respond. Do you want me to commiserate with similar experiences to not feel so alone? Do you want me to comfort with positivity? Do you want me to just hear you and acknowledge that what you're feeling is valid? And I've found that when I take the time to ask how they want me to act, I can have a more open and useful dialogue that we both benefit from.
Don't know if any of this will be helpful in your situation, but I can see how much you care and are invested. I'm sending you positive thoughts and vibes. Much love 💜
