And yes, that was intentionally misspelled because that's my mood today. π I am still awaiting my next appointments and hopefully tests, still undiagnosed. It's been quite a ride! For the last six months, I've been certain that my balance issues started in December 2023, when the vertigo hit and didn't leave.
But now, given time to calmly assess and think back over the last decade, I have realized that I have been having trouble with my balance for several years, and just didn't realize it. I've always been a clumsy person, tripping over air and my own feet since childhood. But rolling back through my mental filing cabinet...
I have been gripping the floor with my toes for years to stay upright. I started clipping my shoulder on walls years ago due to a sudden wobble. I have been bracing against the kitchen cabinets while working to stay in place for at least three years. All ignored signs.
It finally clicked into place this last week when I realized how much I was clenching my toes into the ground and realizing it was a familiar feeling. Like if I dug in hard enough I could sprout roots and find solid ground. I grab with a death grip any surface in front of me when I have to stand in place for anything...at the mechanic waiting for the paperwork to get my car back, waiting for the cashier at the grocery store to tell me my total, everywhere I go. And I always dismissed it as social anxiety, but finally recognize it for what it is.
A lifeline. A subconscious effort to battle the instability inside of me that was hiding in my blind spot. Even when I'm sitting solidly down, my toes are hanging on for dear life and my fingers are clenching whatever they're touching, trying to find the equilibrium they know is MiSsing.
This was actually a very hard realization, because I always considered my hard line, the real change, the tipping point, to have been this past December, with just small signs for the decade or so leading up to this point. But in truth, I've been searching for balance for years.
I would love to hear any and all of your stories. π