how to help someone who has MS?

I don't know if I can offer much help, but I want to say I commend you.

I'm experiencing many symptoms of MS but am not diagnosed still. So there's my disclaimer. And I am a ferociously independent person, I tend to get really irritated when people step in to help me, even when I clearly need an assist. I've needed to take a couple of steps back over the last year to reframe my thoughts and emotions, and to accept help without feeling slighted.

I have been with my partner for 11 years now, we've been married for just over a year. And he is a very giving, compassionate person who always steps up and wants to make things easier, fix things, wants to make things better. It's one of the traits I love, but I also found that I needed to open communication even more over the last year to set some boundaries. Because sometimes I truly need help, but so many other times I want to continue even when it's hard.

So, my best recommendation is to offer that open communication to your girlfriend. To let her decide when and how she needs help. And let her know that you have her back and will step up or step in when she wants or needs. I came up with a 'safety phrase' for when things are too much and I can't ask for what I need. I tell my husband that I need some water. This way, I can tell him I'm struggling and to take the lead... without telling the other people around us. And it's generalized into our regular lives because it's easy, and I don't have to push through the fog to say it.

I'm wishing the best for you and your girlfriend. 💜💜

Hi, !

First off, I love how much you want to be educated and supportive for your girlfriend. That's pretty darn awesome!

I wanted to share some links with you on the topic of supporting a loved one with MS. Here's one that I thought might offer some good tips -- https://multiplesclerosis.net/living-with-ms/the-permanent-third-wheel-moving-in-with-my-boyfriend. And I like this piece, where one of our contributors with MS interviewed her husband -- https://multiplesclerosis.net/living-with-ms/his-side-interview-with-husband. Really, taking your cues from your girlfriend can help you support her in the ways that work best for her. You may have some frank conversations about what she needs most from you when she is hurting or when she is having a bad MS day. And try to remember her suggestions. Also, don't take it personally if her moods sometimes cause her to lash out at you. While no one should put up with meanness, MS can make it hard for a person to be their best and to respond appropriataly at times. But, every person has their own unique experience with MS, so your girlfriend will be the best one to tell you how to help her.

Your girlfriend may start to notice a pattern or triggers (or not, because MS is weird that way) to her sensations and spasms. You mentioned she notices the cold can make them worse. So, you can help her remember to stay warm (without seeming like you are mothering her). I think being a supportive listener is HUGE. And, one thing I learned to do with my husband when having some conversations is ask, "Is this a listening conversation or a workshopping conversation?" Which, for us means, "Are you just needing me to listen, so you can vent, or do you want me to offer some suggestions for fixing this problem?" It has saved us from many a fight and/or hurt feelings. And it sounds like you are already nailing the listening part! That's great!

I also think had great input as well.

Just keep loving your girlfriend and caring for her and maybe have some date nights once in awhile, whether you go out or watch a favorite show on the couch together. MS can sometimes take over a relationship, so don't quit making time to just be a couple.

I hope this helps and don't hesitate to reach out if you have anymore questions. We're happy to help in any way we can!

Best, Erin, Team Member.

We're so glad to have you here in our community as someone who cares for someone living with MS. That takes a lot of courage and strength. One of the best things you can do is learn as much as you can about MS—it’ll help you understand what she’s going through and how to best support her. For muscle spasms, heat packs or a warm bath can help relax the muscles, especially in the cold. For lethargy and that "slow" feeling, encouraging her to pace herself and take breaks when needed can make a big difference. Staying warm is key for many with MS, so helping her stay cozy is a good idea. It’s really wonderful that you’re so dedicated to helping your girlfriend—she’s lucky to have you by her side. Supporting someone with MS can be tough, but your care and willingness to learn are so important. I wish you both all the best as you navigate this together. You’re doing an amazing job just by being there for her, and I’m sure she appreciates it more than you know! All the best to you both, Latoya (Team Member)

I'd like to add to the excellent advice everyone has offered. I too have a problem with spastic (stiff) muscles, and it definitely gets worse in the cold. I do 2 main things to manage this. You might suggest these to your girlfriend:

1. I fire up a heating pad and lay it across my lap. Heat can help the muscles release, and relieve pain. i also self-massage in addition to the heat.

2. I perform 2 leg stretches, once or twice a day.
a. Sitting in a chair, straighten both legs with heels on the ground and toes pointing up. Bend forward and hold the stretch for 20 seconds.
b. Sit in a chair with feet flat on the floor, then bring up one leg and rest the ankle sideways on the opposite knee. Bend forward and hold the stretch for 20 seconds. Repeat with the other leg.

* You can also stretch her legs. Have her lie on her back in bed. You are kneeling on the foot of the bed facing her. Take one of her straightened legs and rest her heel/ankle on your shoulder. Keep it there until she tells you to stretch it further. Push the leg forward towards her a little more and rest it on your shoulder again, until she tells you to go further. Repeat with other leg on your shoulder.

These stretches and more can be found on youtube. Tons of them for disabled people.

Listening to her is great advice, of course. But also encourage her to try new things as described below.

Three of the most effective ways I've found to manage my muscle stiffness, weakness, and balance issues are:

1. Medication. Taking baclofen, a muscle relaxer that works for me.
2. PT. Physical therapy to strengthen and learn at-home exercises.
3. Exercise/Stretching. Daily exercise and stretching to keep muscles strong and limber.

Thank you so much for reaching out! Big hugs, Kim, moderator